The Episode That Never Was
by PineappleGrenade
Summary: A metal thing with what appeared to be a sink plunger and an oversized egg whisk in the place of arms was trundling ponderously towards them over the horizon. But there was no time to worry about that now… there were opening credits starting!
1. Chapter 1

**Announcements about not owning anything except a Doctor Who figure and a demented mind to be inserted here. This fic was inspired by (sadly but obviously false) rumours that an idol of mine was to be the next Doctor. Enjoy!**

"You turn this time machine around _right now_ young man, or I'll ruddy well-"

The TARDIS touched down in a nearly deserted London street, rocking unsteadily on its very edges before coming to a stop, the door flying open and depositing the newest Doctor onto the pavement. He turned over and propped himself up onto his elbows, a scowl dominating his features.

"That's the last time I ever agree to go joyriding with you again," he huffed at his companion who was still safely stashed within the blue Police Box that could do anything except allow one to make a telephone call to the emergency services. "Did you see how annoyed that man was?"

"No, I was trying to work out where the ignition switch is," a voice piped up from inside. "Did you see where I dropped my pint, Rik? I can't find it."

"I don't care about your ruddy pint. Where are we?" Rik Mayall, who apparently was indeed the new Doctor, stood up and brushed himself off, glancing around apprehensively. Just a second ago he had been down the pub in Devon, reminiscing over old times with Ade Edmondson, his marriage spouse in the world of light entertainment. It was this blonde, bespectacled chap that now emerged from the TARDIS, blinking owlishly.

"Obviously we're on a film set ready for our latest show…" He muttered, trying to remember if he had signed any contracts recently. "Oh bloody hell!" He suddenly gasped, lunging forwards and grabbing Rik by the arm. "What's that?"

Rik followed the pointing finger of his friend, squinting off into the distance. A metal thing with what appeared to be a sink plunger and an oversized egg whisk in the place of arms was trundling ponderously towards them over the horizon. But there was no time to worry about that now… there were opening credits starting!

"Is this one of ours, Ade? I hope it's The Bill, I was bloody great in that."

They stood back politely to allow the opening credits to fill the screen. The credits consisted of a space-type view, complete with a swirling nebulous thing going on in the middle.

"_Ooo-ooo-ooo-oo-oo-oo_..." The theme tune sang.

"Hey look, it's that blue box… the Turdis!" Ade exclaimed as that very contraption zoomed across the screen into an expensive-looking CGI void. "These are bloody good credits."

"Not as good as the Young Ones opening," Rik sniffed haughtily. "They were brilliant because I sang a bit of them. No one could sing… Russel T. Davies? Do we know him?"

His companion shrugged. "I think maybe we won a bet with him once."

"Oh yeah, of course, I'd forgotten about that. Oh _boring_, there's none of our great showbiz mates in this."

"Hold you horses matey, there's my name! Look! Right there – 'Adrian Edmondson'."

"You're bloody right you know. And there's my name! Quick, pass me the tissues."

Ade took a startled jerky step sideways away from his partner in prime-time, pulling a face that conveyed shock, mild disgust and a vague resemblance to a goldfish. "There's no time for that now…"

"How come your name came up before mine? Everyone knows I'm better than you…" Rik cringed suddenly and glanced to the other man. "I mean, of course your name came up first, great mate who is more talented than me." When he was sure the man was no longer looking, he flicked defiant V's at his back.

"Well, that's the opening credits over, I suppose we had better do something if we want to get paid."

"Paid? You mean you actually get _paid_?"

"…No."

"That's okay then." The founder of alternative comedy edged into the shade afforded by some trees and pulled his best moody face, hoping the lighting made him look sexy enough. "That thing's still coming towards us."

"It looks quite cute. C'mere little robot thing, c'mon! Aww Rik, look at its cute little ears! Maybe it's a stage hand…"

"_Exterminate_!" The 'stage hand' with the cute little ears screeched, pointing the arm that looked like an egg whisk towards them and firing a fearsome looking line of blue light. It only just missed the intrepid duo, hitting the tree Rik was standing under instead and instantly dissolving it.

"Cor lummy! No one said anything like this would happen!"

"No one said anything about anything happening… Quick, we'll hide in the Turdis!"


	2. Chapter 2

The two men ducked inside, heaving the doors closed behind them. Hopefully these too wouldn't be disintegrated by the wayward robotic u-bend unclogger on their tail.

"It's bigger on the inside!"

"Lord give me strength… You said that the first time."

"Yeah, but I was pissed then."

Rik hoisted a satiric eyebrow midway up his forehead and advanced further into the TARDIS, exploring every surface and console in the vain hope of finding the button marked 'on'. He didn't know how they had managed to start it at all in the first place, or why he and Ade had decided it was a good idea to go look in the blue phone box that had mysteriously materialised in the pub garden. All he remembered were the angry shouts of the man who had parked it there as they drove off in it… and now this…

"Help me look for an instruction manual, there must be one somewhere." Poking around the considerable expanse of the otherworldly vehicle's interior, he came across a rather snazzy brown trench coat. After shooting a shifty look around he picked it up and slipped it on, his nose wrinkling up in disgust when he found he couldn't do it up. Whoever it belonged to must have been one skinny bean pole. He was about to take it off again when the contraption heaved alarmingly to the soundtrack of "_Exterminate, exterminate_!"

"Fascist!" Rik roared at the top of his voice, thrusting two fingers up at the closed door. "Have you found that instruction manual yet?"

"Yes indeedy do… It says 'ong wong wong, oogy boogy doo be de bop chikachikachika squiggle'…"

"Are you holding it upside down, Ade?"

"…Yes. Silly me." Ade flashed a sheepish grin, somehow managing to retain balance as the TARDIS began rocking more violently. "Ah, this makes more sense. Now it says 'gno gnow gnow, ygoo'…"

"Give it here." Making his treacherous way across the floor, the latest Doctor snatched the hefty tome out of his companion's hands, his cheeks sucking in over his cheeks with annoyance when his eye fell on the page. "Ade, this is in Chinese. Glasses."

The man reluctantly handed them over and received a painful jab in the eye. Through drastically blurred vision he watched as yet another push rocked the TARDIS, knocking Rik over into the main console bank. He fell against a lever, pushing it up and pressed several buttons trying to get back on his feet. This was followed by flashing lights, strange whirring noises and the feeling of vertigo that usually accompanies rapidly ascending lifts.

Outside, the TARDIS disappeared before the Dalek's very eyepiece.


	3. Chapter 3

Martha happened to still be in the pub garden in Devon and she was not happy, in fact, she was downright distraught. She gave a little sob and buried her face in her hands, unable to stop her mind replaying the last few minutes. Again and again she saw the Doctor dragged helplessly off into a cluster of nearby trees by a Dalek, again and again she saw the flash of murderous blue light and heard the Doctor's final scream. And as if her problems couldn't get any worse… the TARDIS had been stolen. She couldn't remember ever having felt so alone and scared.

She was startled out of her thoughts by a very familiar whooshing sort of noise. Frowning slightly in confusion she lifted her head and turned just in time to see the time-travelling box that had recently become her sole mode of transport materialising in the very place it had disappeared from.

Surprise making itself known in the widening circumference of her eyes she stood up and waited apprehensively for the TARDIS doors to open, unsure of what to expect. Nothing would have prepared her for the sight of a blue-eyed man in possession of a rather impressive mane of subtly bleached shoulder-length hair staggering out of the doors, wearing the Doctor's coat and blinking ponderously behind familiar black framed glasses.

"…Doctor?" She enquired hopefully, hardly able to believe her eyes. The man stopped reeling and fixed her with a sharp stare behind the lenses of his glasses, seeming to freeze for a moment before a wide grin stretched his mouth.

"I must say, that's a smashing blouse you've got on."

This non-sequitur, so typical of the Doctor Martha had come to know and love (unrequitedly of course), coupled with the winning, boyish grin convinced her that it was he. But why had his appearance changed so? He looked so… handsome. "What happened to you, Doctor?" There was an uncomfortable pause that left the distinct impression of someone thinking rapidly on their feet.

"Remember that thing I told you about?" Came the airy reply.

Of course, Martha remembered that talk now. One lonely dimension-stretching night the subject of death had arisen, as it is always wont to do after a few early morning Bicardis, and the Doctor had told her that if he were ever to undergo loss of life he would be able to regenerate, albeit into a new body. She nodded, moving closer to get a better look at his new form.

Rik blinked and grinned wider as the dusky young maiden who appeared to know him approached and placed a gentle hand on his face, closely inspecting it. He swallowed, looking deep into her dark eyes, although there appeared to be four of them, wavering in and out of proportion from behind his non-prescription lenses and it was giving him a headache.

It was at this beautiful moment that Ade emerged in search of his glasses and oddly enough with the mop-end of a mop draped over his head like a cheap wig. Scowling at the blurry scene before him, he batted Martha's hand away from his friend and hissed "I'll tell Barbara" in Rik's ear, making him flinch.

Martha's eyes narrowed, darting suspiciously between the two men. "Who's Barbara? And who's this?" She asked coldly, lifting her chin and ignoring the hand of friendship that Ade offered. Having been rebuffed so, he plucked his glasses from Rik's face and left him to face the music… or rather, the jealous accusations.

"Come on, who is that? Is she my new replacement? New body, new companion – is that how it works?"

Rik blinked. "I don't know what you're on about. That's Adrian… And no one's replacing you. I've never met anyone like you." He began edging back into the TARDIS, half dismayed when the woman followed him, now blushing proudly instead of glaring.

"Do you really mean that?"

"Of course, of course." He smiled his most ingratiating smile and waved his most non-committal hand – the right one. "…Do you know how to drive this thing?"

She gave him an odd look. "You're the one who drives it…" She supposed regenerating must have a detrimental effect on a time lord's memory, perhaps even resulted in temporary amnesia. It would explain why the Doctor seemed so confused and disorientated. She was about to say something comforting pertaining to her insight, but was distracted into giving a little scream of horror when she saw what her rival was doing – which was hacking at one wall of the TARDIS with a piece of piping, apparently fixing in a lavatory bowl.

"What are you doing?!" She gasped.

Ade turned and blinked at her. "I'm installing a toilet," he answered incredulously, wondering what all the screaming was about. "A Turdis wouldn't be a Turdis without a toilet now, would it?" Noticing a spreading leak, he hurriedly lifted the mop from his head where he had stashed it for safe-keeping and swiped ineffectually at the floor with it.

Another gasp of mingled surprise and weary confusion contracted Martha's throat. "You're not a girl?! This means I won't have to be jealous of you and pull my 'hurting-inside' face at the camera whenever your name is mentioned."

The de-mopped man continued to stare at her, starting to worry about her sanity. "Of course I'm not a girl! Girls can't do plumbing… And don't you worry about it, they call me dab-hand Eddie… I mean Ade. Addie."

"Shut up," snapped Rik. "Our ratings will fall if you keep drabbling on like that."

"Our ratings fall because of your fat, ugly sweatiness," Ade countered with not inconsiderable skill.

The time lord impersonator's eyes flashed angrily and he raised his fists, dancing in agitation from foot to foot. There was madness in his eyes, pure madness, for what is madness but to be nothing but mad. "So it's a bloody fight you want is it?"

"Yeah it is." Ade hefted his piece of piping and wielded it like warriors of old used to wield their foam Gladiator clubs on that television programme.

"Bloody right," The other man danced forwards, swinging his clenched fists blindly. Miraculously, one twotted his part-time enemy on the nose and in return he received a pipe in the face and a kick in the knackers. All in a day's work really... Except this time Rik appeared to have fallen unconscious to the floor, something that rarely ever happened. Grinning demonically, Ade hefted the piping a little higher, polishing his boot against the back of his leg as he prepared for a finishing-off attack. Was this to be the end for the Doctor?


	4. Chapter 4

Martha stepped in quickly, grabbing the murderous Ade by the arm and dragging him away from the other man who was prone on the floor. With an angry mutter of "Boys and their toys… what next?" she wrenched the piping from the attacker and threw it away. "Cut the macho man act out, now."

"Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo." Both men taunted with gleeful sarcasm, Rik recovering instantaneously from possible concussion to join in.

The poor woman who had found herself stuck with them rolled her eyes, wishing the Doctor's old personality back.

"If you could possibly behave for just a _few_ minutes I have something very important to tell you, Doctor."

"It's okay my dear, I love you too."

"_Barbara_," Ade hissed a warning out of the side of his mouth.

"Obviously the regeneration has caused you to experience slight amnesia, but before you were…" Here Martha had to break off and look away into the camera with tears dancing at the corners of her profoundly suffering eyes for a moment, the last few moments of the late Doctor's death replaying painfully in her head. "Excuse me. Before you regenerated, we were just on our way to check out a Dalek convention, as you believed that the few remaining Daleks were planning to regroup there and draw out their plans for universe domination through novelty action figure merchandise. We have to stop them, Doctor."

The faux Time Lord and his bespectacled companion stared gormlessly at her.

"We only have 5 minutes before it starts!" Panic at the blank looks on their faces caused her to shout.

"What do you expect me to do about it?" Rik shouted back in annoyance. Women these days, all they did was nag – 'do this, do that, you've got five minutes to save the world'. It was a disgrace.

Martha stared at him for a moment, unable to do anything except hang her usually talkative mouth open. Deciding she would have to take matters into her own hands until the Doctor regained some form of sanity, not that he had had any to begin with, she crossed over to the TARDIS consoles and keyed in the co ordinates for the Dalek convention – Geekville, then threw switches and lurched about, all the usual actions that accompany the firing up of the time machine.

It would have been a pleasant journey if Ade hadn't decided to get time sick all over Martha's new jacket…


	5. Chapter 5

Outside the large towering warehouse of a building, people in T-shirts bearing slogans such as 'the angels have the phone box' and 'it's bigger on the inside!' were wandering around and trading Doctor Who stories as they waited for the convention to open its doors. A truck pulled up and a terrifying man with a ridged forehead and killer boots stepped out, looked around… and realised he was at the wrong sci-fi convention. Remote control Daleks paraded around, emitting such electronic pleasantries as 'Exterminate!', making two girls jump. They clutched at each other and stared in wonderment, one pointing as she cried out in excitement "Oh look! An Oxfam bookshop!" and that was the last that was seen of them in this narrative.

After what seemed like forever to the rabid fans, the doors finally opened and they poured in, the last autograph book falling discarded by the wayside just as a familiar blue box materialised out of thin air. The real Doctor's companion catapulted out almost immediately, wrenching her ruined jacket off and dashing it to the ground.

"I am _not_ getting back in there with him!" She snarled, staring in disgust as _him_ and his comedy partner wandered out, blinking owlishly in the late afternoon sunlight.

"Line!" Rik called out imperiously, waiting for someone to dash forwards and press a sheaf of yellow paper, otherwise known as the legendary Script into his hands, so that he could get some idea of what was going on and what he was required to say. No such thing happened.

"What's the matter with you?" Martha demanded, her lower lip pushing out petulantly. "There are people inside that building with the Daleks, who are planning God knows what, and we're the only ones who can save them and the world."

"Make it sensational, why don't you?" Ade rolled his eyes one at a time, a habit he was rather proud of. "We've got a right one here, Rik."

"Tell me about it…" The impromptu Doctor muttered absently, starting towards the closed doors of the building. "If it's saving the world it shouldn't be too difficult. After all, we single-handedly brought an end to Maggie Thatch's tyrannical rule in the Eighties. Ade, bring a frying pan of medium size and a cricket bat."

Ade saluted heroically. "Smoke me a kipper I'll be back for breakfast." He then yelped as Rik slapped him sharply about the head and told him that was the wrong sci-fi programme and how dare he watch any comedy without his wondrous self in it.

Seeing another fight about to break out between the two men, Martha grabbed them both by the collars and dragged them into the building, steeling herself for whatever was about to come… although nothing could have prepared her for what did.


	6. Chapter 6

Doctor Rik and his two companions were met with the sight of a large room populated solely by geeks, rabid fangirls and various aliens that Martha had encountered and some that she hadn't in her various travels. It was a terrifying sight for anyone to have to walk in on and Rik expressed his fear by clutching onto Martha as tightly as he could, soon joined by Ade. They bumped awkwardly into a Cyberman who took off his head to reveal the pimply face of an adolescent that hissed "Keep it down, the Daleks are about to address the convention."

"Who are the Daleks?" Rik wondered aloud, annoyed that they were getting more mention than him. Martha stared at him in sheer, disbelieving horror that he could have forgotten his arch-nemesis; surely regenerating couldn't have addled the Doctor's brain this much. Not for the first time she glared suspiciously at the third party, wondering if this 'Ade' was part of a Dalek plot to rid the Time Lord of his acumen.

She was just about to take matters into her own hands, like she had proved she could do so successfully before on previous exploits, and destroy whatever hold this mystery man had on her beloved time traveller when the room broke into heartfelt applause. The trio turned their attention along with the rest of the room to the row of tables that resided at one end, where two very familiar figures were taking their seats.

"Thank you everyone for coming to this Doctor Who convention," spoke up the familiarly warm but unfamiliarly Scottish accented voice of…

"Doctor?" Martha whispered to herself, looking in confusion at the two men she had arrived with, both currently engaged in downing as many complementary drinks as was humanly possible in one go.

"I'm afraid Freema was unable to join me today, but I do have with me a real life Dalek!"

"Exterminate!" the Dalek opined to rapturous laughter and clapping.

"So… does anyone have any questions?" The real Doctor, not dead or regenerated at all, lifted his head and looked around his assembled fans with a good-natured smile. This expression fled his face when he saw Martha standing towards the back of the room, her dark eyes shocked and filled with tears.

Rik, who had been busy wiping a stealthy bogey on his friend's bald spot, froze at the sound of a dramatic silence. Assuming of course that it was meant for him, he swept his impressive locks back from his face and prepared to meet his public.

"Who are you? And why are you wearing my coat?!" The Doctor exclaimed, his focus drawn from the unexpected sight of Martha for the moment. Unfortunately, all Rik was aware of was her inescapable look of accusation.

"I'm the Doctor?" he volunteered. The crowd gasped. A shock revelation about who the next Doctor would be played by!

"No you're not, I am!"

Another gasp.

"_Exterminate_!"

"You lied to me!"

"Listen, Martha, dearest…"

"_Exterminate_!"

"Who are you?"

"Pink elephants!" Ade screamed at the top of his voice, not wanting to be left out of all the noise.

The Doctor vaulted stylishly over the table he had been sat behind and pushed masterfully through the excited crowd until he had reached the sorry group at the back of the room. His coat was meekly put into his outstretched hand and he swung it on with practised flair.

"I'm Rik, it's nice to meet you," Rik smiled, his gaze fixed enviously on the sweeping brown coat that until so recently had been in his possession. Ade added in a curtsey for good measure, remembering that this was the man they had stolen the Turdis from, so it would be best to get on his good side.

"Doctor, I thought you were dead!" Martha threw her arms around the Time Lord's neck and kissed his cheek in relief.

"I'm not, but we soon might be," he whispered in her ear, all traces of his Scottish accent gone.

"What do you mean?" The Time Lord impersonator and eavesdropper gasped in alarm.

"This isn't a real sci-fi convention; it's all part of an evil plot formed by the Daleks to destroy the Earth. Beneath those tables there are hundreds of Daleks, well, the ones that weren't killed in the Time War so not exactly _hundreds_, but you get the idea… they're all under there waiting to jump out at the lead Dalek's signal and unleash their army of evil but fantastic Doctor Who action figures who will kill everyone. I found out about their heinous plan and agreed to change places with the man who plays me in the television programme, David Tennant, because he looks like me but not as handsome, in order to stop them."

As this dramatic speech drew to a close, Ade fixed the camera with a confidential look, his eyebrows rising cynically. "I'm afraid it's all getting rather farfetched isn't it? Not the sort of quality you'd expect at all. It's only going to get worse."

His other half slapped him over the back of the head. "Stop talking to the children! You've already gotten me into enough trouble in this episode. I'm going to need a holiday after this."

The Doctor, who had waited patiently for this exchange to finish, smiled at the two friends. "I'd better get to saving the Earth. Are you with me?"

"What do we have to do?"

"Just stand there looking tense and like you're doing something important whilst I do all the real action." And with that, the courageous Doctor turned and sprinted through the immensely excited crowd despite Martha's cries to come back and not face the danger alone. The room fell into an awed, expectant silence as the Time Lord leapt up onto the table, grabbed the evil Dalek by the plunger and whipped out his sonic screwdriver, pressing it to the Dalek's domed head. A whitish-blue light filled the room along with the metal war machine's cries of anger and "Abandon plans! Emergency temporal shift!"

When the light had faded and everyone's vision had returned to normal apart from a few lingering spot dancing in front of their eyes, the Dalek and presumably his action figure wielding buddies had disappeared completely. The world was saved! Amid the whooping and cheering of the room, Martha ran forwards and tightly embraced the real Doctor, _her_ Doctor, and in the triumph of the moment she received the sweetest, most sought-after kiss of her life. All was well.

…Ade turned his attention balefully to the camera once again and uttered "I told you so."

"Shut up! Just shut up! Why do you always ruin everything?"

"It was the poorly written, incoherent plot that ruined everything, Rik."

"You're right. I'm never working here again. Come on, we can nick that Turdis machine whilst everybody's busy celebrating, ride it back to Devon and finish those pints. What do you say?"

"I say that's the best idea you've had all decade, matey-dokey!"

And so, arm in arm, the two pillars of British alternative comedy left the jubilant Doctor Who convention and walked off into a pint-drenched Devonshire sunset.

"We'd better get an award for this…"

_Finis._


End file.
